Psychology

Transform Yourself with Storytelling

When clients asked me to create one for them and they gave me their scripts, I held my head in my hands in despair. The scripts were boring and were basically adverts. They said, here’s my product or service, please buy me.

I know the purpose of any advert is for people to buy a product or service of course I do. But unless you have thousands or millions in your budget to use the hammer on a rock method, you can repeat your advert daily until it has been hammered into your prospect’s brain. The brain being the rock which eventually will develop a huge dent to make the information (ad) stay there forever or at least for a very long time. But this is an expensive and a very time consuming method. I'm not saying it won't work and most small businesses (my ideal clients) don't have deep pockets to be able to afford constant advertising.

You’d be better off sharing a story. Let me explain why. You and I learnt about stories as soon as we were born. We couldn’t speak or maybe even understand what these people around us were saying but we learnt to make sense of their noises and expressions. It’s how we learnt body language. We then also learnt that when our tiny body was hungry we could make a very very loud noise by crying which almost immediately made the food (mother’s milk) come to us. Just like a delicious takeaway.

My brother is homeless in the Netherlands, is it his own fault?

A few weeks ago (in June) I received messages from my family in England that our oldest brother, Steven who lives in The Netherlands, had become homeless. We didn't know whether it was true or not, my own brother homeless?! I volunteered with Crisis in the UK for several years and my instinct from having done some support work and learning about the homeless, is that he needed to get professional help. He was asking us for money, the messages coming through were that he was sleeping in his car with his dog.

Seriously can this really be true in a rich Western nation like The Netherlands? Surely they look after their citizens, they wouldn't allow someone to be sleeping rough in their car at his age? I know the UK is awful at looking after the homeless, but The Netherlands? Surely they must be much better, it turns out not. They have a huge homelessness issue there too.

Anyway, I was persistent in my suggestion that he should seek a homeless shelter and get professional help. Homelessness is a very complicated and involved scenario. It was a shock to us of course and although we were aware that his marriage had broken up, he definitely had not kept us posted on the events that then followed. We still really don't know how it has all come about.

He turned 70 on the 24th June 2022 which means he must receive a state pension, wouldn't that be enough to pay some rent? Clearly not.

Steven hasn't always been honest with the truth, so there's always been a doubt in the back of my mind whether this was one of his stories or he was actually telling us the truth.

It wasn't until he shared an article from a Dutch online newspaper that I realised it was in fact very true. My heart sank, I had doubted him and it was true after all.

What can I do?

The Pinnacle of Leadership reveals itself in War!

In my lifetime I have only been impressed with leadership a few times. The 1st time was in my first job in London and he was my second boss in that company. I've never forgotten him, he shaped my confidence in work. I've had many bosses in my employment career, which lasted 28 years and I can confidently confirm they were all a major disappointment to me, I'm sorry to say!

As I have grown older, I start to notice world leaders and let's be frank, I don't know about you but I haven't seen or witnessed many impressive world leaders. Now I'm more politically aware, so I subconsciously compare world leaders and politicians to one and other, I also automatically compare them against my own values without even knowing that I'm doing it and of course I judge them.

The 2nd time, many years later I was and continue to be impressed by Jacinda Ardern, New Zealand's prime minister.

And now I am pleased to report that my 3rd leader of choice is the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

Loneliness

The dog was barking non-stop in the neighbours garden, it was drowning out the slow hum of traffic in the streets, nobody was attending the dog's needs or request for attention. Maybe it was lonely, locked up in the garden with no way back into the house? Who knows why it was barking and all of a sudden out of nowhere there is a shout from a man, I can't quite make it out, it sounded like he wanted someone to do something about the non-stop barking of the dog. It sounded like "sort you dog out" or something like that, but of course I could have made that up, it didn't help, the dog continued and maybe it sounded like it even got a little louder after that man's shouting.

Mind the Gap

This popular phrase was made famous on the London Underground. If you use the Tube for your commute every day, you probably hear the words "Mind the Gap" many times each day, possibly every time your train stops at a station.

It's a pretty simple phrase and we all know what it means - reminding passengers to watch out for the gap between the train and the platform on the Underground, which to be fair can be quite big sometimes.

The origins of "Mind the Gap" on the London Underground dates back to 1968. It came about all because it was discovered that an automated message made much more practical sense than station attendants and drivers having to warn passengers all the time.

If you have ever travelled on the London Underground you will undoubtedly have heard it.

There is another meaning for this phrase in my own dictionary and all because I am reading a book titled the Gap and the Gain, co-authored by Dan Sullivan and Dr Benjamin Hardy. It claims to be the High Achiever's Guide to Happiness, Confidence and Success. I'm not 100% sure about that massive claim, but it has changed my thinking considerably.

Boris The Bully

I'm a Dutchman living in the U.K. now for almost 45 years. When I arrived I was a teenager and teenagers aren't really into politics. Once I turned 18, I have never been able to vote in general elections in the U.K. because I am not a British Citizen, despite the fact that all the policies, laws and behaviour of politicians have affected my personal and working life in the U.K.

My father got the whole family a permanent residence permit back in 1978 and despite having that and thanks to Brexit, I still had to apply for the EU settlement scheme, bizarre, I did and of course I was accepted.

The only place I can cast a vote is during local elections, which usually are a big waste of time and I'm getting very close to not bothering any longer.

I rarely comment publicly about politics, although I have been doing in the past few years. I guess when you are moving into the Autumn of your life, you take more notice of the news and are more sensitive to a sense of what's right and what's wrong. The sense of what's right and wrong gets instilled into us usually by our parents and the impact of growing up with siblings. I could probably write a book about the "unfairness" I believed I experienced when growing up as a twin and comparing what my twin sister used to get, in terms of clothes, presents and even our Birthday cakes, yes we each had a different cake! Of course when you're a kid you believe that your siblings always are treated more favourably compared to yourself.

Your Mind is Conditioned in The Gap

Last year I discovered "Dependent Origination", a Buddhist teaching. During my mindfulness enquiry I came across a podcast episode on the Ten Percent Happier podcast, I highly recommend it. On it was Andrea Fella of the Insight Meditation Center, Redwood, California, USA.

Listening to her being interviewed I could have sworn that she was almost shouting, well at least talking at an elevated pitch to try and get the concept of Dependent Origination across. I was thinking, wow this person is quite aggressive, actually I'm not sure if I want to listen to this, but I persisted as she was talking about matters I had never heard of or understood, except to say that after a while I started listening so attentively that I needed to learn more and investigated Andrea further. She was obviously 'shouting' for a reason and that was for ME to pay attention!

Why do humans inflict suffering on other humans?

If you turn on any news channel or read any news publication or social media channel and pay careful attention to what is being said or written, you will discover that they basically report on human suffering.

It could be wars, ethnic cleansing, shootings, knife crimes, sexual assaults, human trafficking, drug offences and the list goes on, stories of countless human suffering inflicted on humans by other humans.

I've only started to wake up to human suffering after hearing the Dalai Lama speak about it a few years ago. He says that everyone is entitled to their human suffering and instead of interfering with it, we should have compassion for their suffering.

Everyone's entitled? But what if it is inflicted on the innocent, what if those that have been inflicted with suffering were just in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Is the U.K. Government Invincible?

Of course I’m taking about Boris. With each step on his journey he’s found to be wanting, he’s found to be lying, he’s found to be incompetent, he’s found to be making poor decisions, he's found to be out of touch, confused, passing the buck, over promising and under delivering, should I go on?

And yet millions of citizens in the UK voted for him to lead this country, to lead us into a pandemic of epic proportions, with an epic death toll, that is still rising every single day.

We gasped when even one person died from COVID19 and now we don't even bat an eyelid when the death toll totals 96 (on 20 July 2021).

Leadership in government globally has been the worst in decades, but how do we know this? We only need to look at Gareth Southgate, the England Football team manager or Jacinda Ardern, the New Zealand Prime Minister. Why can they be outstanding leaders but our governments can’t?

Is human suffering totally and artificially predictable?

The answer is a resounding yes! You and I have been contributing millions of digital actions to allow the likes of Google, Facebook, Apple and Amazon learn about our likes, our dislikes, our shopping behaviours, our feelings, our relationships, our networking, our friends and our enemies and much more besides.

The data is colossal and the collecting of it all has been fierce for decades, because all these companies knew that one day this data could be harvested, could be interrogated and could be used to make predictions.

Let's just imagine that apart from retargeting or remarketing a technology that has ads follow you around when you browse the internet, ads are served up to you before you even have thought of it. Sounds unbelievable, well consider this.

Could this be the end of English racism?

Maybe the racists tweets following the England final with Italy were a gift? I know this will sound very controversial, but hear me out please.

Firstly it has meant a massive public outcry towards the racist abuse targeted at these wonderful football players who stepped up for their team and country, an event they will never forget for the rest of their lives!

It has meant that comments flowed from Royalty, Government and ordinary citizens up and down the country, the country that calls itself England. My mother was brown, she was from India and my father was white, he was from The Netherlands, I am sure she faced racism in The Netherlands but I was just not conscious of it. Can you imagine my Mum and Dad getting married in the days when mixed marriages were just not seen? What must it have been like for them.

England Euro 2020(1) Final

There are so many lessons to be learnt from watching England move through the Euros 2020, which actually was played in 2021, because of the Pandemic. Every team they faced, English men and women were nervous that they would lose the game, after all England never does well in major competitions or do they?

Gareth Southgate's management style is being hailed as superior compared to all previous managers that have come before and indeed it is. The team appears to be more cohesive, supportive and genuinely enjoy each other's company. Inevitably the pressure on manager, support staff and players must be immense. Having to play mainly in front of an English crowd who will cheer when you do well, but will sneer when you don't. The press is the same too, the headlines will be celebrating every win and destroy the team when they lose.

This year appeared to be different because England were not losing any games and had a clean sheet and made it all the way through to the semi-finals. England has been there before actually, it was the world cup in 2018, but didn't make it through to the final that year. This year and for the first time in 55 years England made it through to the final of the Euros in 2021.

Are you responding like your parents or like your teachers?

There are 2 role models that shape how we respond in life. Role model no 1, your mother or father and role model no 2, the teacher who gave you the hardest time or maybe several who did.

Usually the way we were treated, when our parents and teachers felt we had done something wrong and gave their response to it in the way of punishment, ridicule or showing us up in public, is the way you now respond to situations in life. In particular your reaction and response to your loved ones, partners, siblings and children. You basically are copying what they did to you, to now doing it to those nearest to you.

Just stop and think for a few minutes and consider how you treat your nearest and dearest when I’m your opinion they have done something wrong.

Maybe have a think about how you react to drivers on the road when in your opinion you believe they have done something wrong? A tiny bit of road rage, maybe a lot of road rage? How did your father react to drivers when he drove you around or maybe your mother? Did they curse at bad drivers, at certain models of cars, at cyclists, pedestrians, older drivers? Does any of this ring true?

The Unknown

Because of our conditioning throughout our lives by our parents, our teachers, business leaders, the government and ourselves, it means we can only function properly with what we’ve known.

When unknown situations arise like a global Pandemic, we can only resort back to what we have experienced in our lives so far. Our craving and clinging to how things used to be kicks in and our mind will stress continuously until such time that the known shows up again. That’s why so many people protest against lockdowns and their perceived removal of freedom.

Why do you need all those votes?

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We all desire plenty of votes, let me give you a few examples.

Votes from our parents, to confirm we are enough.
Votes from our teachers, to confirm we are worthy students.
Votes from our employers, to confirm we make a great contribution.
Votes from our peers, to be recognised and feel like we belong to the tribe.
Votes from our friends and families all over social media, non-stop confirmation that we are loved.
Votes from our industry in the form of awards to prove that our company is among the best in the industry, in our region, in the world etc.

Why?

Everyone wants to be loved, feel good enough, feel recognised and we are constantly looking for this throughout our lives, it shows up everywhere!

Even when I’m writing this I need you to agree with me, that you can see what I’m saying is true, confirmation that I’m enough.

We are already enough, but we don’t wish to accept it.

This is the human experiment, the human drama, all of our individual stories acting out every single day, searching for approval, searching for acceptance, for love and belonging.

Look in the mirror and there you will find it all the votes you need!

The Surveillance Threat Is Not What Orwell Imagined

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Shoshana Zuboff • June 7, 2019

George Orwell repeatedly delayed crucial medical care to complete 1984, the book still synonymous with our worst fears of a totalitarian future — published 70 years ago this month. Half a year after his novelʼs debut, he was dead. Because he believed everything was at stake, he forfeited everything, including a young son, a devoted sister, a wife of three months and a grateful public that canonized his prescient and pressing novel. But today we are haunted by a question: Did George Orwell die in vain?

Orwell sought to awaken British and U.S. societies to the totalitarian dangers that threatened democracy even after the Nazi defeat. In letters before and after his novelʼs completion, Orwell urged “constant criticism,” warning that any “immunity” to totalitarianism must not be taken for granted: “Totalitarianism, if not fought against, could triumph anywhere.”

Since 1984ʼs publication, we have assumed with Orwell that the dangers of mass surveillance and social control could only originate in the state. We were wrong. This error has left us unprotected from an equally pernicious but profoundly different threat to freedom and democracy.

For 19 years, private companies practicing an unprecedented economic logic that I call surveillance capitalism have hijacked the Internet and its digital technologies. Invented at Google beginning in 2000, this new economics covertly claims private human experience as free raw material for translation into behavioral data. Some data are used to improve services, but the rest are turned into computational products that predict your behavior. These predictions are traded in a new futures market, where surveillance capitalists sell certainty to businesses determined to know what we will do next. This logic was first applied to finding which ads online will attract our interest, but similar practices now reside in nearly every sector — insurance, retail, health, education, finance and more — where personal experience is secretly captured and computed for behavioral predictions. By now it is no exaggeration to say that the Internet is owned and operated by private surveillance capital.

In the competition for certainty, surveillance capitalists learned that the most predictive data come not just from monitoring but also from modifying and directing behavior. For example, by 2013, Facebook had learned how to engineer subliminal cues on its pages to shape usersʼ real-world actions and feelings. Later, these methods were combined with real-time emotional analyses, allowing marketers to cue behavior at the moment of maximum vulnerability. These inventions were celebrated for being both effective and undetectable. Cambridge Analytica later demonstrated that the same methods could be employed to shape political rather than commercial behavior.

Augmented reality game Pokémon Go, developed at Google and released in 2016 by a Google spinoff, took the challenge of mass behavioral modification to a new level. Business customers from McDonalds to Starbucks paid for “footfall” to their establishments on a “cost per visit” basis, just as online advertisers pay for “cost per click.” The game engineers learned how to herd people through their towns and cities to destinations that contribute profits, all of it without game playersʼ knowledge.

Democracy slept while surveillance capitalism flourished. As a result, surveillance capitalists now wield a uniquely 21st century quality of power, as unprecedented as totalitarianism was nearly a century ago. I call it instrumentarian power, because it works its will through the ubiquitous architecture of digital instrumentation. Rather than an intimate Big Brother that uses murder and terror to possess each soul from the inside out, these digital networks are a Big Other: impersonal systems trained to monitor and shape our actions remotely, unimpeded by law.

Instrumentarian power delivers our futures to surveillance capitalismʼs interests, yet because this new power does not claim our bodies through violence and fear, we undervalue its effects and lower our guard. Instrumentarian power does not want to break us; it simply wants to automate us. To this end, it exiles us from our own behavior. It does not care what we think, feel or do, as long as we think, feel and do things in ways that are accessible to Big Otherʼs billions of sensate, computational, actuating eyes and ears.

Instrumentarian power challenges democracy. Big Other knows everything, while its operations remain hidden, eliminating our right to resist. This undermines human autonomy and self- determination, without which democracy cannot survive. Instrumentarian power creates unprecedented asymmetries of knowledge, once associated with pre- modern times. Big Otherʼs knowledge is about us, but it is not used for us. Big Other knows everything about us, while we know almost nothing about it. This imbalance of power is not illegal, because we do not yet have laws to control it, but it is fundamentally anti-democratic.

Surveillance capitalists claim that their methods are inevitable consequences of digital technologies. This is false. Itʼs easy to imagine the digital future without surveillance capitalism, but impossible to imagine surveillance capitalism without digital technologies.

Seven decades later, we can honor Orwellʼs death by refusing to cede the digital future. Orwell despised “the instinct to bow down before the conqueror of the moment.” Courage, he insisted, demands that we assert our moral bearings, even against forces that appear invincible. Like Orwell, think critically and criticize. Do not take freedom for granted. Fight for the one idea in the long human story that asserts the peopleʼs right to rule themselves. Orwell reckoned it was worth dying for.

Contact us at editors@time.com.

TIME Ideas hosts the world's leading voices, providing commentary on events in news, society, and culture. We welcome outside contributions. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of TIME editor

Do you remember the headlines in 2017?

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I decided to capture the news headlines for the whole year of 2017. About 3 headlines every single day. 

Why?

To illustrate how we’re all being manipulated by the daily media without us even realising it.

By March I started regretting it, but I continued and have added screenshots of those headlines to a Pinterest board. 

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/stayingaliveuk/headlines-2017

I’ve captured 1,100+ headlines about an average of 3 headlines per day. 

How did I decide what to pick?

Well I basically decided that if my eye, my attention, my internal guidance system drew me to a particular headline then that’s the one that got selected. Of course I did look out for the major ones, the big news items too. Unfortunately Donald Trump and Brexit obviously feature in abundance because there was some news on both every single day. 

I used the Apple News app to tap into the daily news and locate those headlines. 

I am delighted to nearly have completed the exercise with just 3 days left and will be taking 2018 off from even looking at the news app.

Have a look through the board and some of the headlines might surprise you. 

Enjoy!

How do you know if you are being authentic?

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This article was inspired by my LinkedIn connection Rebecca Bell, who posted an update about the case of self-proclaimed titles, like ‘Thought Leader’, 'Influencer’ or ‘Visionary’.

See the post below.

The discussion has been fascinating and you can see how many likes and comments are clocking up on this topic, it really has never-ending opinions.

This topic has touched a nerve with many and it’s making me wonder why do we try and big ourselves up so much. Is it because we need that recognition to feel good about ourselves? Is it because the world around us has conditioned us to claim titles for ourselves, so we can be seen by others as important and they will believe in us?

Most of us have heard the saying ‘people buy people first’ and that means someone has to be in your company, face to face (or at least a video call) before this can take place. But because we now spend most of our time in the digital world, the non-physical, we are making up our own non-sense titles to impress and be bought by our connections and sometimes to manipulate search results too. 

Have you ever heard anyone at a networking meeting say. Hello my name is Michael and I’m a visionary or I’m a thought leader or I’m an influencer. Probably not. Recently I was invited to connect to someone who calls themselves a 'Business Maven'. Who encouraged him/her to use this title to suggest that they are maybe better than you or me, better qualified than anyone else to be an expert in the world of business?

A better description, title or headline for any of us would be:

'Have learnt everything I know from others and therefore thank you to all for the great lessons'. 

Because when we came into this world, we knew diddly-squat, nothing, absolutely nothing. Everything and I mean everything we know we had to learn from others. Sure we put our own spin on it and we create some amazing technology because we may think of a different approach to others, but really every tiny bit of knowledge we own, someone gave it to us.

So let's be more humble, grateful for what we know and NEVER proclaim that we are better than anyone else, NEVER!

@stayingaliveuk

Is it really all about politics or is it about leadership?

There are only two types of leaders. Those that instruct and those that trust.

I've never known a more exposed situation and narrative in connection with our countries’ leaders, whether it’s the USA, the U.K., the EU or further away, our leaders are being exposed for what they truly stand for. 

No longer can they be hiding in the forest and just send their troops out to face the battles. Their faces have to be seen, their words have to be heard, every move, every tweet, every bite is under scrutiny being analysed by the media and more importantly by everyone watching, the electorate, ‘The People’.

You might be watching via the TV, the Newspapers or Social Media and you're all forming your own opinions, your views on whether they are performing or not. It's like watching the latest blockbuster movie to see if it lives up to your expectations. You are literally awarding those leaders stars in your head. It's either 1 star or 5 stars, you decide. 

And then you can't help yourself by expressing your opinion via Twitter or Facebook, just like our leaders are now doing. After all we copy what our leaders do, for better or for worse. I've read some incredible debates on Facebook, where inevitably the unfriending happens and maybe ‘rage quitting’ from Facebook too. It's sad to see that colleagues and friends are falling out with each other. This is exactly what our leaders are hoping for, that  we chose one side over another and in the process fall out with each other.

Then there's the comedy, the GIFS, the stand-ups, the meme’s, the late late shows, the comedy news programmes and of course Saturday Night Live, the Russel Brands, the Russel Kanes of this world who are all joining in the discussion, the ridicule, further exposing our leaders with comedy but every time there's also a serious side behind it all. I never saw that much comedy about Barack Obama in his two terms in office, but now I see comedy every single day about Donald Trump and other U.K. leaders. The comedy is not flattery that's for sure. 

And whether those leaders believe that they are being prosecuted by the media or anyone else, they only have themselves to blame. 

The fact that those leaders are in office at the moment is a massive GIFT to the world.  Those ‘elected’ leaders are literally a mirror to all other leaders in the world. Whether we love or hate them, they are a reflection of how the top leaders in the world are treating their ‘People’. And with ‘People’, I mean the electorate, the citizens, the employees, the unemployed, the elderly, the sick, the poor, the homeless. 

And whether we like what we see or not, it's time we all take responsibility for our own actions and how we treat each other. Leadership starts at home, it starts in the office and it starts in your community. When we change our own leadership only then will our leaders change.

Does this mean there will be a revolution? Absolutely there will be. It has already started and will continue to grow. It's hidden and it's visible at the same time. There are new leaders emerging, but we haven't met them yet. They are not the ones you can see and hear in the public arena yet.  They are planning and watching in the background, creating and developing a following. I liken it to the 2nd World War underground movement. I'm not talking about terrorists although our current leaders and media (who are owned by governments) may call them terrorists. They are definitely not, their work is being done in a very peaceful way.  

Those new leaders will emerge like a breath of fresh air to most, not everyone of course will embrace them, but the majority of us will. They will speak a new truth, develop trust and put their self importance last.  It will be totally and directly the opposite of what we have in our world today.  But it will be a very very welcome change. The timing will be exactly right.

I'm for one looking forward to that day. Happy leadership! 🙌

PS. By the way, not sure if you're into numerology or not, personally I don't understand it that well, but a fun fact to consider.  When the big crash occurred in 2008, that year number adds up to 2+0+0+8=10 1+0=1, the start of a new cycle is always a number 1. Guess what 2017 adds up to? Correct it's also number 1.

Watch out for major changes in 2017 still yet to come.

We have a saying at home ‘expect the unexpected’.

One day we will all just be 'OLD'!

I agree it's a dreadful thought or is it? When we get closer to visiting our Maker, we start to forgive those that have done us wrong, we ask for forgiveness for what we may have said to or about those we did wrong, realising that actually we only have a few hours left on this planet. 

One day that is exactly what will happen to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. What they have said to each other will have hurt the other at some level, whether it was the truth or not, it doesn't matter. Throwing verbal abuse at each other is massive negative energy and will affect the other individual. Just think back to when someone verbally abused you. How did it make you feel?

Hillary and Donald are supposed to be the top leaders of the western world, they are supposed to be role models for other leaders, for teenagers and for children who aspire to achieve greatness themselves one day.

Many adults (we're all leaders in our communities by the way) around the world joined in with the verbal abuse, whether it was on TV, the press, Social Media, all of us showing younger people how to behave when things don't go our way. And the abuse continues and will continue for many years to come. This election will NEVER be forgotten, because we will be reminded of it, when every day the media will scrutinise every tiny little detail of Trump's Presidency. 

Can we truly look at ourselves in the mirror and honestly say to ourselves that we are outstanding leaders in this world of ours? Truly?

Watch this fascinating video interview with Simon Sinek, who stated that Donald Trump is a reflection of us. Ironically this interview was posted on YouTube on June 23rd, the day the UK voted for Brexit!

Simon Sinek shares his views on Donald Trump. FREE FULL EPISODE: https://londonrealacademy.com/episodes/simon-sinek-start-with-why/ Simon Sinek is an unshakable optimist. He believes in a bright future and our ability to build it together. Described as "a visionary thinker with a rare intellect," Sinek teaches leaders and organizations how to inspire people.

For me what the US Presidential Election of 2016 has shown me is that we as leaders have a very very long way to go to realise what true leadership is. And often we become great leaders when we reach a very mature age, an age when you realise how fragile this life is, an age when forgiveness comes easy, an age when you realise what you did and said wasn't actually that great. And by the way that age is obviously not 69 (Hillary) or 70 (Donald). 

One day we will all just be 'OLD'.

@stayingaliveuk